Jacked Up Love

These thoughts have been rolling around my head and my heart for a few months now. I’m not sure I’ve completely formulated them all, so bear with me as I try to articulate them.

We as a culture have done a total hatchet job on love. There are several reasons for this, almost all of which can be summed up by saying that we live in a fallen world. I don’t want to just chalk it up to that though, because there is nothing we can do to fix that. We will live in a fallen world until Christ returns. While shalom in every aspect of life won’t be restored until then, I believe there are some things we can do to reclaim as much as we can of what love for one another was intended to be like. We can do that by looking at some of the causes and resulting symptoms of our general lack of understanding love.

One way we’ve jacked up love is by removing it from community. Love was intended to be experienced in community. Jesus said in John 13:34-35 “I give you a new commandment: love one another. Just as I have loved you, you must also love one another. By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” (HCSB) The “they” referred to cannot see and know that love outside of the context of a community. By making it a strictly me-and-you kind of thing, we lose valuable perspective and support that being in community can add to the richness of love.

This lack of community is probably one of the reasons love has become a very selfish and self-centered thing. Love experienced without community is all about me and what I can get out of it. This selfish aspect of love can also lead to the one who is loved becoming the center of the lover’s universe. Selfish love has to exist in a very narrow mindset, and a very small world; being removed from community creates the perfect environment for selfish love to develop and thrive in. Love should affect not just lover and the loved, but those around them as well. It is such a powerful force that it should bleed into, onto and over everything. It cannot do this outside of community.

Another way we’ve messed up love is by attaching such a heavy sexual connotation to it. It seems as though we can’t have an all encompassing, soul level, love in the truest sense of the word with anyone except a romantic connection without it being creepy or supposedly having some secret sexual desire attached to it. Part of it is that the English language has one word to describe a vast array of feelings. The Greeks have four words for love. According to Wikipedia,

• Eros is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. The Modern Greek word "erotas" means "(romantic) love". However, eros does not have to be sexual in nature. Eros can be interpreted as a love for someone whom you love more than the philia love of friendship.
  
• Philia…means friendship in modern Greek, a dispassionate virtuous love, [which] was a concept developed by Aristotle.
  
• Agapē means "love" in modern day Greek, such as in the term s'agapo, which means "I love you". In Ancient Greek it often refers to a general affection rather than the attraction suggested by "eros"
  
• Storge means "affection" in modern Greek; it is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring.
  

Having distinctions like this in English might help clear up this love/sex connotation a bit. But even then, love would still be perverted. I don’t know if it’s because America has a Puritan heritage that was so strict about signs of affection, that we’re now suffering from some sort of strange backlash, or if it’s because the church has abdicated its role in defining and acting out what love should look like so society/human nature just took its course, or if there is some other reason I haven’t thought of. I just know that there seems to be this line and anything past it between anyone except a romantic couple is immediately tagged as creepy with a strong sexual undertone. Anything involving a physical characteristic of someone is immediately marked as sensual, whether it is or not. Any kind of love that goes beyond the surface – that really digs in its heels and gets to work – is tagged as suspicious. As a result, this is one of the reasons so few of us know how to not only lovely deeply and completely, but to be deeply and completely loved.

This is so pervasive that we think like this without even realizing it. It’s a natural, knee-jerk reaction. But the nature it is rooted in is the old nature; it’s part of the old man that needs to daily be put to death. Check yourself – do you unconsciously view things this way? Does fear of being perceived this way prevent you from loving fully?

Expressing the agapē kind of love is often very difficult. I think agapē is meant to be all encompassing – not just what a person does for us, or what we do for them, but everything about them: their essence; their physical characteristics; how they look; how they smell; how good it feels to have some sort of physical connection with them like a hug; their likes and dislikes; their strengths and weaknesses; their thoughts and feelings; their quirks and flaws; their unique interactions with you and their general interactions with everyone; and on and on. We’ve become so uncomfortable with expressing this kind of love, largely because of the assumed sensual, erotic, eros kind of love attached, that the vast majority of us wouldn’t know how to receive it if by chance it was given. We seem to be ok with the philia and eros kinds of love, but have completely failed when it comes to the agapē kind of love we’re supposed to have.

I believe the agapē we’re missing out on encompasses so many things. Things like…
…buying your friend a mother’s day gift because you know no one else in her life will
…opening your home to friends who have no where else to go
…writing a letter to a friend to let them know how much they mean to you – even though you can’t find the right words, and the ghosts from your past taunt you that doing so will ruin everything
…holding a friend who had a tough day because there is healing power in simple human connection
…staying up way too late and driving for an hour to surprise a friend by being there for a huge event in his/her life
…sitting up into the wee hours of the morning holding a friend while he/she cries about the sorrows of life
…taking everyone out for ice cream at Denny’s at midnight because someone accepted Christ as Lord and Savior
…keeping an eye out for little things you can pick up along the way that will brighten someone’s day
…bringing a friend caffeine and chocolate and locking them in a room until they talk about what’s eating them up inside
…knowing when to make someone open up and when to just silently be with them
…putting yourself in harm’s way to help a friend get out of a dangerous situation
…checking on the family of a dead friend and remembering special days with them – because their pain is more important than yours
…telling someone a hard truth, especially if he/she doesn’t want to listen
…persevering in prayer for over thirty years for the salvation of a loved one
…walking through the junk of life with someone, not giving up, and not letting them give up until they reach a clearing in the road
…driving fourteen hours round trip to be with someone dropping a spouse off at rehab

It isn’t just things you do for the other person though. Truly living an agapē kind of love means allowing yourself to be loved that way as well. My youth minister once told me that I needed to learn to let myself be loved. I don’t know that any other statement has continually pierced me like that one has. It’s something I struggle with every day. It involves things like…
…graciously being on the receiving end of the above list
…admitting that going to see a friend in jail scares the snot out of you and asking your friends to lift you up in prayer
…being honest with people you’re in relationship with that you sometimes still deal with ghosts from your past, and asking them to help you banish them
…letting someone get close enough to help you banish your ghosts
…confessing you’ve been trapped in a perpetual sin for years and can’t get out on your own
…letting someone get close enough to see your mess and help you out of it
…giving someone permission to call you on your crap
…apologizing for doing something wrong, then living in the grace and forgiveness given – without beating yourself up for it again and again (something I struggle with daily)
…trusting that someone else has your back in all aspects of life…and actually letting them have it
…calling for help when you’re in over your head

I could go on forever, but I think we’ve covered enough ground. I believe that I’ve just scratched the tip of the proverbial iceberg. The ramifications of this affect every area of life. This is a huge issue that no one wants to touch, but desperately needs addressed. What can we do to address these causes and their symptoms? A few things. First, we can increase the value of community in our lives by bringing relationships back into community and letting love bleed over, onto, and into everything we do and are. Second, we can break down misconceptions and cut up the hidden connotations of love by a) not participating in them and perpetuating them ourselves, and b) loving boldly and without fear regardless of what others think. Lastly, we can be vulnerable enough to allow others to boldly love us without fear, regardless of what others think.

These thoughts ran around my head for a long time, now I’d like them to run around yours. What’re your thoughts? How does this play out in your life and community? What are other causes and solutions?